Here I am on Christmas freakin' Eve, an emotional basket case...Depressed and listening to The Smashing Pumpkins...Not even really sure what is wrong with me or why I'm feeling this way. I feel like Charlie Brown in that sixties Christmas special of his. I feel like there is so much to be happy about - especially today - and I can't feel it. I know I'll break this funk...I do every year.
A large part of it is being scared. Shitless, really. Attachment is scary. I've vowed to protect her as much as the courts will allow me. She is attached as much as I am. The more I love, the more a part of me freaks out inside. Because I know the more it will hurt if something were to happen. But I need to get over it. I can't be scared of good things.
Yesterday I caught myself driving home and thinking, "What would I be doing right now if I'd have done things differently?" And I imagined myself pulling up to some cool old studio apartment in Portland instead of the Camas Ghetto. And I was peacefully alone. And after one split second...it vanished. As stressful and hard and frustrating as my life can feel at times...I wouldn't trade it for any "what if." If I would have done things differently I wouldn't have hard-earned constant platonic love (Nattie), I wouldn't be in The Jolenes, I wouldn't have the good friends that I do now, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to go to school to follow my dreams, I wouldn't have ever had this whole theory in my head that some wonderful person came and tore down and proved wrong (Praise the Lord!). And then I was thankful for everything.
I am not a prisoner of war and I do not have tumors in my tummy (that I am aware of, at least. I do intake a lot of Equal).
I am just a girl that thinks too deeply on things and has seasonal depression right now that makes me feel like I have PMS a lot. We all freak out once in awhile for no reason. I'm also running on four hours of sleep which would explain a lot too...
I already feel a lot better!! The poopy pants are being shaken off now!
For now this is Candy saying Happy Birthday Jesus!!!
I wish you all the magic of the season today. Eat, drink, and be merry with your loved ones!!! And weather you want me to or not, I've been praying for all of you.
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